I haven’t posted anything on here in a while. I think probably because overall I’ve been feeling better. My anxiety has been lower this year in school. I’ve been able to focus better. There have been some rocky patches, but it’s not nearly as bad as last year.
That said, figuring out my head has been very difficult. Communication with my parts is iffy. I’m confused by a lot of things in my head. I don’t know what’s going on a lot of the time.
The biggest thing that I’m noticing now that I didn’t before is how much time I’m losing. When I was first diagnosed with DD-NOS I didn’t think I’d had memory gaps for years and years. I thought losing time was something that happened to me before I was 18.
Well, I was wrong.
I can see how I wouldn’t know. How do you know you’ve forgotten something if you’ve forgotten it? Looking back, there were some times I have a blank spot, but I rationalized it away. But now, my lost time is getting more obvious and I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all.
The memory gaps I explained away were things like the fact that I don’t remember any book I read while I was pregnant. I can even remember opening them and closing them at different times. What I read is completely lost to me. And all the things I’ve forgotten aren’t like a normal forgetting where you have a vague sense of familiarity when you think of it, like you know you should know it but you just can’t quite think of it. It’s a black space for me. There’s nothing there. Not like what happens when I’ve naturally forgotten something, it’s like it never happened.
I also lost a little more than half a season of Supernatural. My husband commented that we were rewatching episodes and I was very confused. He doesn’t watch that show without me, he remembered things about the episodes, but I didn’t have any memory of it.
A couple of weeks ago after I had sex with my husband I fell asleep right after. The next morning I was amused with myself. Isn’t the stereotype that it’s the man, not the woman, that orgasms then rolls over and starts snoring? So, when I had a moment alone with him I apologized for passing out post-coitus.
He didn’t know what I was talking about.
He told me I didn’t fall asleep after sex. He was really confused and so was I. If I didn’t fall asleep, what did I do? Apparently I had a nice long conversation with him. He said I didn’t seem quite myself, but that he wasn’t too worried about it. I talked to him about what was going on in therapy and other things. Then I went to the bathroom, cleaned up, came back to bed, and went to sleep.
Somebody had a nice conversation with my hubby. It wasn’t me. I know I have parts. I should be at least semi-resigned to that. I guess I’m not, because it freaked me the fuck out.
This morning I waited at the bus stop so I could get to class. No buses came while I was waiting. A classmate saw me and stopped to give me a ride to class. I was surprised at how late it was. It hadn’t seemed like I’d been waiting at the stop that long. After classes were over, she gave me a ride back. She gave another classmate a ride too, a really nice girl who’s a friend of mine named Amy. We talked and it came up that I’d gotten a ride that morning too.
Amy wanted to know why I hadn’t taken the bus this morning.
I explained that no buses had come while I was waiting.
Apparently they had. A bus Amy was on had pulled up to my stop and I had let it go without trying to get on. I thought she was mistaken. It must be yesterday she was thinking of. She said no, I was wearing the shirt I am wearing today. It’s a distinctive shirt.
She said when the bus came I was looking down the street to the east very intently. I wasn’t facing away from the bus, in fact when it turned the corner it would have passed right in front of my eyeline. When it pulled up it would have been to my right about 8 feet away from me. I couldn’t have not seen it.
I never saw it.
Then I thought about how by the clock on my friend’s dash this morning, I had been at that stop about 15 minutes. It had only felt like 5. So, this morning at the bus stop for maybe 10 minutes or so, the lights were on but I wasn’t home. I have no idea who was home.
Again, maybe this shouldn’t bother me but it did. Freaked me out.
So, when I got home I attacked a big evergreen bush I don’t like. I didn’t even change out of my school clothes. I took the loppers and chopped down everything I could. For the rest we’ll need a chain-saw. I’m covered in scrapes and scratches and I got some pokey seeds stuck in my clothes but I’m a bit calmer now.
We’ll see what my therapist has to say about it tomorrow. I’m confused and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to keep it from happening. It upsets me to not have control of my body, especially out in public standing alone on a busy street.
I don’t like this.